RaPe

Chasing my feelings through my mind
the dark halls ringing with
long forgotten footsteps
pain filled memories, blame and bruises,
I kneel in the black hole of my thoughts
remembrance,
I can still feel his hands,
so trusted, strong,
holding my dizzy, shivering self
onto the unfamiliar mattress, flowered
his hand
covering my mouth,
my tongue tasting his sweat,
my lips, crushed, trying to open,
muffled screams,
as the pain engulfs me
as my tears fall unchecked
as my heart smashes to the floor
I close myself around my core
escaping into a place inside
I hide
behind a smiling face
coming to grips
with my reality, that seems so far, yet so close,
so close that no matter how often
I sluice myself with water
his sweat seems to cling
to my skin
no matter how loud my music is playing
no matter how hard the angry musicians sing
I can still hear his sounds of satisfaction
my dizzy thoughts
my spinning vision
felt like falling
falling into hell at last,
the glass
It's keen, faceted edge,
I test its sharpness
my stomach twists
I know that this is wrong
but it brings such sweet release
the blood, seems like tears
the tears I've been unable to shed,
since that night.
the pills,
almost as white
as my shaking hand
seem to me as pieces
of my washed out
broken heart
I eat them
by the handful
In hope of
being whole again
I close my numb, unseeing eyes,
careless, I live this lifeless life
In constant remembrance
replaying things I
could've
should've
said or done
my fault
my fault
my limp arms
encircle my wasted form
as I stare
at the floor
blaming myself
shouldn't have led him so far
I made him
my fault
my fault
but still my insides twist,
as his sweat fills my mouth,
choking me,
choking me,
I'm screaming inside
but nobody hears me
because his hand,
his hand
so strong and trusted
absorbs my cries…